The 10 Best things about Jon Bon Jovi

OK, so I totally expected FHM to be blocked from work, but this was actually pretty amusing.  I bristled at #2, but managed to highlight my favorite parts in blue :)

10. He started a band…after singing a Christmas carol
In what would be one of the best and most rocking bands in the land. Bongiovi, after singing a Christmas carol at a radio studio, discovered that he had the lungs and hip movements to hypnotize women and move scary, strong men with his vocal chords.

And so he went on a quest to pursue this musical dream. Little did he know that he would soon be helming one of the most awesome and long-lasting bands of all time.

9. He changed the spelling of his name
Thank god Bongiovi edited the spelling of his name to Jon Bon Jovi. Can you imagine what keeping the spelling of Bongiovi might have caused? Maybe they would have ended up as a classical group or even opened up a frozen gelato stand.

One of the band members suggested that they name the band Bon Jovi. Bongiovi liked it so much, he changed his own name to fit it. And now it’s such a powerful brand name, some people even baptize their kids as Bon Jovi. Scary, but true.

8. His hair
Forget about the faux hawk. Back in the 80s it was big, unruly hair that made us look like transsexual valkyries from Valhalla. But it was damn cool. And who made this mess of locks so accepted? Bon Jovi!

More so than the other rock contemporaries of that time, Bon Jovi neck twisted and curly-locked their head of hair so that it became an art form. So what if your scalp seemed to itch and people weren’t sure if you were a girl or a guy. You have the mane of fame!

7. He wore the tightest pants
Have you noticed that hip-hop pants are now slowly being replaced by tight fitting multi colored jeans? If you think about it, Bon Jovi and other rocking bands started wearing testicle tightening leather pants, 501s, and jeans way back then.

Space for a hanky? Forget it. Need to squat and pick up some loose change? Get ready to rip your butt. They weren’t very comfortable and they definitely couldn’t hold anything but the skin on your legs and your crotch, but the pants were a sign that you were a rocker. Hopefully you found a rocker chick to take them off for you.

6. He rocked music videos
An overload of close-ups, silhouettes, dolly-shots, headbanging, and screaming female fans. The older batch of Bon Jovi music videos did not have the typical movie scenario or story mode. It was all set up as a concert.

And that’s one of the magic moments that Bon Jovi was able to instill in their fans and first-time viewers. You were instantly captivated. It was like watching a free show. Sure you’re just in your parents living room waiting for your mom to cook you dinner, but in those precious 4-5 minutes, you were in the front row of a Bon Jovi concert. Yeah!

5. He made cowboys  cool
Singing all by his lonesome on a mountain top drive-in movie, Jon Bon Jovi sang "Blaze of Glory," which became one of his solo career hits and a fitting soundtrack for Young Guns 2.

Making a tired movie genre shine again in the spotlight. Who cares if Billy the Kid liked to shoot people up and he was played by Emilo Estevez or that the sequel didn’t do as good as the first—you had cool guitar licks, gunslinging action, and Jon Bon Jovi wearing that leather chaleko again. He made all of us feel like rootin-tootin-cowboys.

4. He became an actor
Jon Bon Jovi was no stage thespian or Robert De Niro, but you have to admit, he played some pretty cool characters. But the one character that stood above the rest was his portrayal of vampire hunter Derek Bliss in Vampires: Los Muertos, that really caught a lot of people's attentions.

Imagine Bon Jovi stabbing one of the undead while belting out a rock song. “This is gonna hurt you, more than it hurts me!” Stab! Vampire explodes. Groupies scream in ecstasy. Closeup of Jon with his eyes looking far, far away.

3. He had the girls
In the videos, at the backstage, during parties, you can be sure that Bon Jovi had their pool of lovelies lining up to be with rockstar legends.

You may not agree with the tight pants and big hair formula, but there was definitely some chemical reaction between Bon Jovi and the rocker chicks.

2. He hangs out with Richie Sambora
Anybody who hangs out with Richie Sambora must have their name etched on a granite slab for all eternity. The guy was able to boink Heather Locklear in his prime, and tap Denise Richards in his current flabby status.

Richie Sambora was a god, and whoever hangs out with a god must be very important or at least have a huge credit limit. But seriously, Jon Bon Jovi prides himself on being a good family, so obviously he won’t party so hard. That’s when you pass the ball to Richie who likes to head straight to the goal.

1. He made beautiful karaoke music
If you loved it or hated it, you have to admit that everyone knows their songs. From the videoke bars of people screaming their lungs out to "Living on a Prayer" to the strippers strutting their stuff to "Bed of Roses," Bon Jovi’s music was very addictive and made people rock out in their cars to "It’s my Life" and made taking a shower so much more fun for me while singing, "I’ll be There for You."

The magic of Bon Jovi isn’t about how many cars they have, or how many groupies they conquered, it’s not even the platinum albums hanging in their mansions, it’s the music that makes you feel alive whenever you hear it.

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So, what do YOU consider the top three things? (Ass, hair, and smile don't count)...

~ Hath