Restaurants to Avoid...

The Italian place I went to this evening in Providence RI.

We met my in-laws for dinner at a restaurant that's been in business since my FIL was a student at Bryant College, back when it was on College Hill. The place was very easy to find, and we had a 7pm reservation. We were seated right away, and I swear, that's the last thing that went right.

We waited a full 15 minutes before the waitress came to take our drink order. By then we had not only decided on what we wanted to eat, but we had memorized the entire menu and were quizzing each other on what was in the antipasto.

So, we got our drinks. Well, half of us did. Those of us who ordered drinks from the bar got them right away. Well, by right away, I mean within another 10 minutes. The people who ordered water? I think the staff had to make some, and frankly, I'm afraid of just how they did that. I stuck with my margaritas.

The water was accompanied by perhaps the best Italian bread I'd ever had. Warm and flaky, with a nice, soft garlic-infused butter......mmmmmmm.... We had been lamenting FIL's choice of eatery, but this bread nearly made up for it. What really made up for it was the extra service the restaurant offers -- they wash your pants for you! Of course, it's with icy cold water from a sweating metal pitcher, and it's only one leg, and at that, just from the knee down, but hey -- BONUS!

And what was extra great was that the heat along the outside wall (where we were seated) wasn't working, so we had the benefit of fresh, cool, crisp, nipple-binking air. I'm sure my FIL saw way more than he really needed to, but they had already taken my coat, and I was pretty sure it would take at least a half hour to get it out of hock, so I huddled and hunched and got the girls to behave.

Anyway, 20 minutes later, the appetizer arrives. By now, the 8-year old at the table was drawing on his place mat with butter sucked into his straw and it really was quite remarkable and ingenious; I have it hanging on my fridge.

Another 10 minutes pass, and three of the four of us get our salads, but everyone gets their entrees. At this point, we've already eaten the napkins, and determined that our puny human teeth cannot, in fact, chew through metal, so our knives and forks are still intact. We dig into the most bland, plain, generic Italian food ever. I mean, Ragu makes a tastier sauce (and if you know or are a real Italian like me, you know how bad that is for this restaurant).

We get through the meal quickly, mostly because we have a 45 minute drive to get home, and the 8-year old is mine, and gets cranky when it's out late. No way were we waiting for more water, so we rationed out what we had, and asked at least four times to refill the bread basket, and we're still waiting.

We thought about dessert, and the 8-year old got ice cream as part of the kid's meal, and asked for Vanilla. FIL asked for chocolate. We got three dishes, all chocolate. I mean, it's like they weren't even trying! We took the opportunity to ask for the check at that time, and got it right away. I mean within seconds.

Then I slid my lil Gold card into the slot and waited. And waited. Then was grateful I hit the ATM that morning, and depleted my wallet to pay the damned bill and escape. The in-laws tried to pay, but they only had plastic. I think we'd still be waiting if I didn't have the cash on hand.

I watch this show, called Kitchen Nightmares. In it, a British chef, named Gordon Ramsay, goes into these places that suck ass and turn them around. I kept waiting for him to come out of the kitchen and tell the hostess that her night was a f'ucking nightmare.

It was bad.

Then, to top it off, I needed to break the seal. I think I stumbled into the bathroom that the Fiction Mistress was talking about earlier this month. No lie, there was no heat in the room at all. Guess they want to discourage folks going in with a newspaper. No worries there. There was actual FROST on the mirror, and I swear to God, my ass would have frozen to the seat if the little hover maneuver didn't work.

All set with restaurants for a while.

Think I'll have leftover turkey tomorrow.

~ Hath